Making a big decision while in crisis is hard. Let’s unpack that.
When you're in a crisis, like deciding whether or not to choose adoption, everything can feel overwhelming. Here’s some helpful information on how your brain and body react as well as some tips to help you navigate this challenging time.
Uncertainty: You might feel a strong need for more information and control. This can lead to rushing decisions just to feel like you’re back in the driver’s seat. What parts of this process make you feel like you’re not in control?
Not having a choice of the doctor you’re seeing during the pregnancy or the doctor that delivers your baby;
Feeling pressure to schedule an induction or a C-section;
Having the adoptive family with you in the delivery room;
Being pressured to sign adoption paperwork before you are ready;
Not signing a post-adoption contact agreement.
Anxiety and Panic: High-stress situations can make you panic, leading to quick decisions that aren’t always the best. Remember, the best way to make good decisions in a crisis is to slow down.
How can you slow the process down?
Give yourself grace. How you talk to yourself matters. You can say:
“I am feeling very confident right now, but I know I can re-make this decision after the baby is born.”
“50% of women change their mind after their baby is born so if I’m going to be fair to myself, I should account for some time to make sure I feel just as confident then as I do now.”
Find out if using interim care or cradle care is an option with your agency.
Interim care is when a vetted family cares for your baby while you still have time to change your mind. It allows you to feel what that separation will feel like while still giving you time to reconsider if you’d like. (There is a Utah-based interim care organization listed on our Get Help page, separate from the agency.)
Request more time before signing.
Utah has no revocation period (the period of time to change your mind about the adoption after signing). Do not sign unless and until you’re absolutely and fully ready. You can ask for more time at any point.
Don’t want to sign while you’re in the hospital? That’s fine! Signing can happen once you’re discharged or even weeks later. You can go home, take a shower, rest and recover, and even spend time with your baby before making a final decision. If the agency worker is pressuring you to sign, don’t give in to any of their demands. Take your time.
Find out what the laws for consent and revocation are in your home state on our adoption laws page.
How Stress Affects Decision Making
Stress can seriously impact how you make decisions:
Chronic Stress: Long-term stress changes your brain chemistry, making it harder to process new information and adapt to changes. This can affect your ability to make well-thought-out decisions.
Acute Stress: High stress levels can shut down the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking and impulse control. This might make it hard to think clearly, leading to feeling either overly anxious or completely numb.
What to expect when you’re signing adoption paperwork:
Take a look below to learn more about your ‘window of tolerance’.
Window of Tolerance: In situations where we are feeling calm (AKA- we are inside our window of tolerance) we can consider consequences, use logic and reasoning, and problem-solve. However, when you sign adoption paperwork, you will not likely feel calm and patient. It’s more likely you are dysregulated and either hyperaroused or hypoaroused.
Hyperarousal: In hyperarousal, you’re likely feeling panic, rage, or fear, causing your brain to not register consequences. Your brain is going into fight or flight mode and you may want to get this paperwork done and shut out what is being said to you. This is a normal experience since most people will feel this way when signing such important documents. However, it might be an indication to pause since it’s hard to take in information in this mindset.
Hypoarousal: In hypoarousal, you’re likely feeling numb as your mind is in a “freeze” state. This sometimes comes with the feeling that you’re seeing yourself from a bird’s eye view (as if from a camera above you) signing the paperwork. It’s common to feel checked out or in a trance when in this mindset. It’s also very difficult to learn new information during this state.
Image shared with permission from Charissa Lopez, LPC-S.
The Challenge of Making Decisions
Your brain tends to judge the difficulty of a decision based on the first bit of information you get. Even if you get new info later, that first impression sticks. This can speed up your decision-making process but not always in a good way.
Before the Decision: You might try to predict how you’ll feel about your choice, but it’s tough to know for sure. What seems like the right decision when you’re calm can feel very different when you’re stressed or emotional. Give yourself space to consider all your options and feel your feelings in both situations.
During the Decision:
Cognitive Dissonance occurs when a person is torn between two choices that seem equally good or equally bad. It may be so uncomfortable that a person is likely to make a hasty decision without considering all relevant factors. It’s normal to feel cognitive dissonance when making an adoption decision. If you need more time, communicate this to the adoption worker. Not sure what to say? Check out our scripts to help you create the right message.
If you have a history of trauma, making decisions can be even harder.
Trust Issues: You might have a hard time trusting your instincts and seek too much outside validation. This can lead to extreme anxiety and second-guessing, making the decision-making process even more difficult.
Note: Pay attention to who your outside validation might be. Is it just an adoption social worker? Friends/family may offer support, sometimes this is very helpful information as they may have been reliable and helpful in the past (with no strings attached) yet other times they might have shown themselves to be untrustworthy. Take time to think of ways they’ve been there for you or haven’t been there for you in the past before relying on their offer to help or their judgment.